Special Day Celebrations! Do We Really Understand Them?

Valentine’s day or Women’s day celebrations are purely western concepts. A few people initiated such celebrations in our country and in the recent years, everybody seemed to have jumped into the fray. Last month and this month, I witnessed the Valentine’s day and Women’s day celebrations in my office and in the IT Park, in which my present office is located. On Feb 14, I saw some shops in our building putting up sale for Valentine’s day celebrations and this month, it was women’s day’s turn. Hope they won’t put up a similar sale on April 1st :).

I personally don’t celebrate all these A days and B days, however, I have no qualms against people celebrating them. They are free to celebrate them provided they don’t hurt the sentiments of others. The question is do they really understand the spirit behind such special days? For instance, on women’s day, most companies had asked the women employees to wear a saree and conducted special games (no intelligent games, all kids stuff) and gave feast for women employees alone in a separate room. One particular company gave special neck massage from a beauty parlor for women employees alone. Almost, all companies including mine gave roses to all women employees alone. The gift shop in the complex gave away free mehendi cones for women visitors alone on that day (I was given a free mehendi cone that cost 12 bucks for the greeting card that I bought for 10 bucks:).

Now, do you think these women’s day celebrations have actually served the women community in any way? According to me it has only taken us a step backward. It has reiterated the fact that:

• Women still like roses and mehendi cones (why not give away a key chain or a pen as gift? It could have proved to be much cheaper than mehendi cones).

• Women should wear only sarees for special occasions (why not ask wear whatever you are comfortable in).

• A service from beauty parlor is a must-have.

• Women require special care (on that day alone) and the day is strictly meant for women (why create a chasm between the male and female employees by not including the male crowd in the celebrations. Including them will only increase their respect for women and will help them appreciate the magnificence of women).

So, my humble suggestion for all women’s day or Valentine’s day or mother’s day enthusiasts is don’t blindly celebrate a day without appreciating the spirit behind them. Try to do some justification for the day by understanding the rationale behind them.

Who Foots the Bill?

My cousins have come down from Salem. It's one of those rarest occasions that all my cousins are present this weekend to have a gala time.Ok.I don't want to digress.I am coming to the point.Whenever, we, relatives are on an outing spree, it is always my cousin brother who bears all the costs. As usual, as always, this time also he has taken charge of all the expenses.The reason he says for settling all the accounts on his own is that he doesn't have any other commitments.I am happy that my cousin brother is very affectionate and committed. But some men do not want women to pay the bills for the simple reason that it is not culturally appropriate to let them pay.This really left me with the question of who should foot the bill on an outing?Men or Women?

Traditionally, women were mere home makers, they didn't earn any money , so obviously the men who accompanied the women had to foot the bill.But in a country like ours, allowing women to pay the bills are still seen as inappropriate.As a matter of fact, universally, men are supposed to foot the bill, no matter what the occasion. I seriously don't subscribe to that idea because it promotes male chauvinism.It further suggests that women are mere appendages. Secondly, some women could play their gender card and make the innocent men to bear all the expenses.So, ultimately, who should foot the bill? The answer is simple. The one who suggested for a time out should pay the bill, no matter what the gender. Another possible alternative could be sharing the expenses.

Its Time for the Inequality to Reach the Exit Door

In the present corporate environment, there are a handful of married women those who excel in both work and their personal life.They are full of energy, highly spirited and competitive. While interacting with them, I found that their hubbies shoulder some of the so called "responsibilities of women" at home. The spouses share the domestic chores, child care and all the family responsibilities. They ensure that none of them are overburdened. If this looks like an Utopian situation for you, believe me, such families do exist. A new breed of younger generation follow this model to ensure that they stride forward. Hats off to them!

But there are also many families which still stick to the Adam days' rules . Few years back, when I was pursuing my under graduation in Sociology, we did a small survey on " the Attitude of Men towards Mate Selection".Surprisingly, the result was that the majority of men in the marriageable age group would accept if their would-be wives earn in par or more than them whereas they were not willing to extend any support for women in their domestic chores, in particular, for cooking. But they preferred to marry working women to be spared of their financial burden .Well, this survey was conducted among young men in and around Chennai six years ago. The attitude of men could have changed now. Moreover, the IT boom has made major alteration in the lifestyle of people. In particular, if both husband and wife work in a highly demanding environment such as IT, sharing family and financial burden among husband and wife becomes inevitable. Many men seem to have realized this. What about women? What is there stand in this?

Well, a few days ago, we, some of the old pals flocked together at a friend's home for spending time together. We all exchanged our views on our ideal man. All of us had these points in common. We all wanted a forward thinking (modern in outlook, belief in equality etc) boy. Similarly, his family should also have a modern outlook. He should accept us for what we are
( should not impose changes or restrictions on our way of dressing etc). He should not be too orthodox or belong to the old school of thoughts. The boy should earn a decent compensation or at least should have the potential to come up in life. We do not want someone who has merely inherited some wealth from his father/grand father as a stroke of good fortune .Similarly, we all wanted a boy who has a pleasing personality to an extent. Ok, lets come to the meat of the matter.We believe in division of labor.We do not want to be over loaded. We all thought that we should take time out for catching up with our friends and indulge in our interests even after marriage.But we had different views on the habits or personality of the boy. Some of us expected a boy with clean habits such as non-smoking, non-alcoholic etc But there were also few who do not care about that. Remember, this is not just the views of few close pals but I come across many young people such as my colleagues and other friends with same expectations. Well, the present day working Indian woman want to be treated with equality, to be respected for what they are, and do not want to be overloaded in the guise of empowerment. What do you say?

Why is This Inequality?

Being born and brought up in a joint family, I have experienced subtle forms of gender inequality at home. Though the inequality has never been intense(my parents, uncles, aunts and grans shower equal affection on girls as well),I cannot deny its presence.As soon as my sister was born( three years younger to me), there are few people in my family, who behaved as if a death happened at home.The reason was simply that my parents already had a daughter(myself) and god had punished(?) them with a daughter again. My own father,in later years, shared that he was expecting a baby boy and had prayed for one.Though he was initially upset of having a baby girl again, he could sooner accept my sister with élan. He gave us the best education, whatever we name, he would get for us.But he had never been active in bringing us up like my mother. In fact, my father would not even know the section in which me and my sister were in at school. No matter what it is, illness, tuition classes or parent-teacher meet, it was my mother who would initiate despite her work load. But my mother has never reckoned her daughters as a load on her. Even today she would say that we (me and my sis) are her best assets.

On the other hand, some of my relatives and family friends, who have sons used to throw sympathetic glances on my parents for not been blessed (??) with a son as they are . Today, me and my sister are in no way inferior to their sons.We are educated and employed as their sons are.In fact, we provide helping hand for my father on financial front, which many sons do not do.

The question that keeps haunting me as I write this post is I come from an educationally forward family, which lives in a city for generations. If my educated relatives themselves are biased, what about the illiterate people those who live in villages? I feel education has very limited influence on our attitude. Gender equality is an attitude that our people need to develop consciously. It has been drummed into their heads for generations that having a baby boy is an achievement or an asset for the family. But practically, there are sons those who have abandoned their parents and daughters those who take care of their parents even after their marriage. Will our perspective on gender change??

A successful career: Another feather in a woman's hat or an iceberg in her head?

In this information age, career women are reckoned as empowered women. Is all that needed to empower an Indian woman, in particular, the present day Indian woman a lucrative career alone? If at all, Indian women are empowered, have they benefited out of that empowerment? A valid answer for this question calls for an iota of comparison with their old generation counterparts. Often our grandmothers have regaled us with the stories of how they managed the kitchen and served a room full of guests.As a result, we have imbibed the thought that the be-all- and- end-all of their marriage was serving their husbands, their relatives and children. It leaves us with the idea that our grand mothers were docile, dependant and ignorant and our grandfathers enjoyed the power and authority. But don't you think that there was a clear division of labor?

In the domestic front, women were the undisputed authorities. They had given a free hand in the home management, which called for independent decision making, planning and implementation. On the other hand, the onus to win the bread for the family was solely on the men. Men need not worry about the shortage of salt or sugar in the kitchen and that also meant that women need not worry about an impromptu medical expense in the family or the increasing interest rates for the color television that they had purchased.

But of late, women have evolved as major financial contributors for their families from being mere dependants. They have widened their repertoire of skills.Has the scene changed? Not absolutely. Even today the onus of domestic management is on the woman. Men hardly extend a helping hand for household chores in many houses. Even if some men try their hands on the domestic chores, women are still reckoned as the kitchen supremo. In many houses, where women shoulder most of the so-called "responsibilities of men”, still have to juggle their domestic and official activities. There is absolutely no support from men on the domestic front.

Is there any acceptable raison-d’-ềtre for the lack of domestic help from men? The answer is no. Men still think that cleaning and kitchen jobs are reserved for women and are repelled by the thought that they would be labeled as " docile" by assisting women in these activities .If some are sticking to these Adam day's rules , some men lack the motivation for helping their better-halves. But what they have forgotten to bear in their mind is that if the so-called kitchen jobs are women jobs, then earning for the family is also the job of men. They should not expect any support from women on the financial front. But that will not fit the bill of the present generation which dreams to lead life in king size, and which has to cope up with the soaring cost of living .So ultimately adding career as a feather to the women's hat or keeping it as a stone in their heads is in the hands of men. The word “empowerment” is very misleading and it only adds up to the worries and tensions of women. If we call the present day women who juggle many roles and who are hard pressed for time even to breath as empowered women, I would rather stay underpowered than empowered? What about you?