A Ghosted Friendship: Horrorless or Heartless

Have you ever been ghosted by someone, that too, by a close friend? It is not a very common experience, indeed. It is exactly why I want to share my story with you. My Journey might help you process and handle the situation in a better way.

Here goes my brutally honest account in detail:

We were three college buddies. Though there were other friends in our gang, we three sort of bonded well, sharing every aspect of our lives. After five years of college (undergraduation and postgraduation in the same college), our friendship beautifully blossomed into a full bloom. With salaried jobs at hand, plenty of freetime and bikes at our disposal, the three of us were soaring like free birds under the sky of Chennai. From shopping centers to coffeeshops to theaters, we spared none. We'd explore the city together, discussing everything under the sun that ranged from jobs to life partners.

A few years passed. One of my two friends got hitched. Her marriage didn't bring any major change in our friendship. She was very much in touch and available for us. 

In exactly a year's time, my wedding was fixed. As it involved a whirlwind of preparations, it was crazy. I just had three months between the engagement and the wedding. Within this time, I had to move mountains. The main challenge was finding a new job due to my relocation to Bengaluru soon after my wedding. To attend the job interviews, I was either commuting to far away locations or spending hours over phone. On other hand, I was completely swamped at my old job and was anxious about sorting the relieving date and full month salary, as every penny counted.  

Back home, even though I had a village helping me out, I was busy with wedding shopping sprees, blouse stitching marathons and invitation distributions, talking over phones and sending invitations by courier. It was a flurry of wedding preparations. Every second counted in the count down to the big day.

While the preparations were in full swing, the other unmarried friend,--who is actually two years older to two of us--was requesting me to accompany her to take some wedding profile photos. We already got the wedding profile photos of both of us from a studio near her home. I used one of them in creating my profiles in the matrimonial websites, and shortly after, my wedding was also fixed. However, she was not happy with the outcome of her pictures and she had a strong belief that my company would bring her the same luck in her alliance search. I promised her my time.  Alas! there weren't enough hours in a day. I was hard pressed for time and couldn't honour my words. The friend was frustrated and dejected. 

Hey wait! As I told you, it was not a very long time since we got our profile pictures taken. On that very day, I gracefully forgave her for making me commute all alone in an auto back home at wee hours and putting me through unnecessary stress. Was it too much on my part to expect the same understanding behavior from her? She was gaslighting me instead of showing empathy. I had never seen her stoop so low. She used to always be a supportive, caring and matured friend, whom I could fall back on.

So, I brushed her bad behavior aside as I cherished our friendship. I personally invited her for my wedding with a beautiful outfit as a gift along with my wedding card-- a practice usually reserved for very close family members. She did attend my wedding and the reception with a cold demeanor with her mother in tow. The months that followed she drifted away. On the other hand, I remained the same-- perhaps too naive or too busy adjusting to the new environment.

One day, I receive a casual whatsapp message from her informing that she was getting married and wanted to invite me. It was not even a Whatsapp invitation, but a plain message. A stark contrast to how I invited her to my wedding. It was the final straw. I reached the threshold limit of my tolerance. In my mind, I was saying "enough is enough" to myself and replied in a single word" Best Wishes". I neither reacted to her wedding nor enquired about the groom. It was the final nail in the coffin of our friendship. Later, I heard from the other friend, who attended her wedding (and was also invited in the same manner) about her high handed behavior and poor hospitality. It further reinforced my decision to let go of her.

For a brief period of time, I used to wonder what the hell changed her. Did she suddenly become jealous of me? Was she nice and cordial with some expectations from the beginning? Or she simply felt female friendships are not worth pursuing after marriage. What went through her mind only she knows and I was clueless. But, I cannot be dwelling on it and lose focus on my precious life.

As they say when someone ghosts you, respect the dead and move on. Life goes on. The sun still rises in the East, and sets in the West. The Earth still spins in its orbit. And it has really been a hell lot of time since this incident happened. Nothing has really changed for me except for writing an interesting account of my story.

No: The Two-Lettered Powerful Word

Ever since I was a kid, I was trained to say "yes" to everyone and everything. I was brought up in an environment, where saying "no" is considered impolite. I inherited this habit of singing yes ma'am to the tunes of others from my parents. I still vividly remember how I used to watch helplessly if some random kid snatches my favorite barbie doll, a beautiful lehenga or a thing that is dear to me. I would let a playmate or a classmate to boss me around for no reasons. I didn't have to be an Indira Gandhi or a Jayalalitha to stand up for myself and say "no". These are simple life situations, where I had to defend myself and stand for what is right. I was too naive and timid to put my foot down even for small things. Add to this, a pampering joint-family environment, where all your needs are taken care of without even asking for it. It makes you into a totally spineless person thinking that saying "no" is a sin. This is exactly how I grew up as a timid and shy kid. I completed my post-graduation and secured a job and created a career for myself but saying "no" is still not my cup of tea. I carried the good girl image with elan like a badge of honor. However, the good thing about not being able to say "no" is it is well received and reciprocated by the right people. That is how I earned a few good people, who stood by me through thick and thin. Unfortunately, it is these people that had my back on my trying times further made me an excellent people's pleaser. No matter what, home or work, I made immense efforts to agree with others at the cost of my peace of mind. 

                Picture courtesy: Microsoft PowerPoint stock photos

I carried this habit like a priced possession from the work life to my married life as well. I continued to be a mum creature, who cannot say "no" like the same kid who helplessly watched her doll being snatched away. Little did I knew that my inability to say no would plunge me into depression and cost me dearly at a point in life. Come 2018, an unfortunate incident struck my life and created a storm. It is this personal loss that gave the impetus to the much-needed change. I FINALLY learnt to say "No" to things that snatch my peace of mind on top of my voice. As a result, I have become a happier and decisive person, who knows her priorities. 

Saying "no" and understanding priorities go hand in hand. I reviewed my priorities and kept things and people that matter to me on top of the chart. Unlike my parents, I don't preach my kid to give up on her favorite toy. Instead, I encourage her to share it with others and say "no" if someone snatches it from her. I insist her to say "no" to people that expect her to prioritize them over her. It is important to teach children to say "no". But it is tricky to teach them when to say it. It comes only with experience.  

Experience is the best teacher. One way to turn a scar into a star and to move from brokenness to beauty is to learn from the experiences. By learning from a mistake or a problem, we literally turn that trouble into a blessing. And that is what exactly I did. 

The following are my learnings from this giant transition of being a timid people pleaser to a careful decision maker: 

• Being selfless doesn't mean prioritizing others and dumping ourselves. 
• Saying "no" is not a sin.
• Drawing healthy boundaries to secure your space is not bad.
• Understanding the thin line between being helpful and denying the opportunity for the recipient to be independent is important. 

I gave a big farewell to the people pleaser in me and invited a stubborn and head-strong person, who would not let her fort be invaded and captured by any other force. However, be a caring host who will pleasantly tend to the needs of the same force if it happens to be a guest. Being head strong, and polite and decent are the two sides of the same coin. If we know where to tighten the strings and where to let them loose, we emerge as a winner. 

I would like to sign off with the lines from the book "The Secret" that complements the idea of being selfless well. 

"Fill yourself up to full, so that you naturally overflow and tend to others".

Are You Picking the Right School For Your Little Munchkin? Read On!

A school is the place where a child spends most of his or her time. It is the second agent of socialization, only next to the family, which is the first agent of socialization. Moreover, a school also presents the third agent of socialization, which is the peer group. What the hell all this means? It means much of the foundation for who you are and what you become is laid by the school.

It is sad that even in this era, where opportunities are limited only by your mind, a school is judged by its mere academic results. What about raising a well-rounded leader with impressive communication and decision making skills? What about building a good character in our future citizens? Who cares about all these. I want my child to get straight-As in all subjects. Well, I dont quite agree with reducing the role of a school to mere mark generating factories.With this new- found wisdom, I started hunting for a school for my daughter.

Finding a right school is not less than a herculean task. With an array of options at your bay, it is natural to feel a little overwhelmed. Not to mention the advises that one has to field from the experienced parents. If one parent boasts of the international school that her daughter is associated with, the other one feels proud about the fact that she spends only peanuts on her child's education. At the end of the day, everybody wants to prove how smart they are. Add the ginormous amount of information available in the internet to it, you feel lost.

I feel my experience can give you a nudge in the right direction. I didn't put my daughter in a regular school for the initial few years as we were quite unsure about where and how we are settling. She continued her education till kinder garden in her play school.She enjoyed going to school and did not feel the pressure all these years. Now that the school teaches only till senior kinder garden, we are forced to look elsewhere. This is how our journey with admissions began.

Like many parents, my husband and I also had our criteria. Distance topped our list, given the infamous Bengaluru traffic. After zeroing on the schools at a distance of maximum 4 km, we stumbled upon the sheer variety of curriculum offered by the schools in Bengaluru. It ranges from the common CBSE and ICSE to a relatively new international Baccalaureate (IB), and a combination of IB and International General Certificate of Secondary Education (IGSE).

I was quite impressed with the IB curriculum as it offers a well-rounded education. However, it turned out that IB is a popular choice for children that either plan to pursue their higher studies abroad or those who plan to move in with their parents employed or employable in a foreign country. There are only a few schools that offer IB curriculum in Bengaluru and most of them cost a fortune (The fee structure of the school that we considered was reasonable and on par with Indian curriculum schools). So, we crossed IB from our list. Finally, we ticked CBSE as it is one of the popular curricula in India.

Now that the curriculum is sorted. What comes next? The infrastructure and sanitation facilities that most high-end schools flaunt to take the parents for a ride. According to me, a school without a playground is a burial ground. Don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about the vast expanse of manicured lawns. A simple plain ground that can let children run around and play. Also, a school without a playground means no physical education, which is necessary for building the stamina of children. On that note, a well-maintained and hygiene sanitation facility is a no-brainer.

Now coming back to my opening point of finding a school that focus on developing a well-rounded individual. We checked for schools that put equal emphasis on academics and non-academics. The opportunities they provide for children to showcase and develop their skills, not just improve their grades in one assessment after another.  We were hell-bent on finding a school that provide an inspiring and creatively nourishing environment. We found some schools that bring in eminent leaders, authors, and public figures for an interaction with children. There are schools that send their students on cultural-exchange programmes to foreign countries. Many schools have affiliations with popular sports development centers to train their students displaying impressive skills in a sport. Well, all these don't come for free. They cost a bomb, anywhere between an atom bomb to an RDX bomb.

In other words, pay for a pizza, and get only the pizza, or order a pizza and top it with some cheese, olives, bell peppers, and mushrooms, which will cost you more. But, be mindful of paying extra for just a plain pizza. Waiting for a big revolution that will get me a pizza with all toppings for the cost of a plain pizza.

Rural and Urban Life

A lung full of fresh air,
A heart full of love,and
A mind full of peace
Fill a stomach that is half empty.

A lung full of smoke
A heart full of grudges, and
A mind full of stress
Fill a stomach that is already full.

The Rain!

Oh, Rain!

 Have you come to the Earth to tie the knot?

 See the Sun that is hiding behind the dark clouds

 Watch the trees that are dancing to the tunes of the wind

 Look at the waves that are jumping out of joy 

 Who is your bride?

  Thunders are beating the drums 

  Lightning is flashing the lights 

Winds are blowing the trumpet
Rainbows are flagging the festoons

  Isn't it a divine time? 

Birds are reciting the divine chants

Farmers are blessing you

Ponds, lakes, and reservoirs are having a feast

Isn't it a grand wedding? 

Tangled: Movie Review

If you fancy fairy tales, then Tangled is a must-watch. Tangled is an animated 3D movie from Walt Disney animation studios. The story is loosely based on the German fairy tale, Rapunzel. It is said that the movie was also initially named Rapunzel. However, later it was changed to “Tangled” to give a clue about the story of the movie, which revolves around the magical hair of the lead lady, Rapunzel.

The Plot
A bad tempered old lady, Gothel uses a magical flower, which is imbued with the essence of sun to stay young forever. At that time, the queen of the kingdom becomes deathly sick. The people in the kingdom were sent to find a solution that would cure the queen. They find this magical flower and cure the queen using it. The queen, who was pregnant, passes the magical power of the flower to the baby princess, Rupunzel. On the other hand, Gothel becomes furious for snatching the magical flower from her. So, in a perfect rage and with the sheer determination to get back the source of her eternal youth, which is now in Rupunzel’s magical hair, she kidnaps her.

She raises the princess in an isolated tall tower and makes her believe that she is her mother. She constantly preaches Rupunzel that the outside world is cruel and mean. In the mean time, on each birthday of Rupunzel, the king and queen launches a magic lantern in the sky with the hope that the princess would come back to their kingdom. Rupunzel, who sees these magic lanterns from her window, gets curious as to why a magic lantern is added on the eve of her birthday year after year. She expresses her curiosity to Gothel, who in turn emotionally blackmails her. Meanwhile, a thief called Flynn Rider, who has stolen the crown of the missing princess, reaches the tower seeking a hideout. Rupunzel, who was initially suspicious of Rider, later strikes a deal with him to escort her to the kingdom, from which the magic lantern is launched in order to get back his stolen crown. Rider helplessly accepts the deal. During their trip to the kingdom, Rupunzel and Rider realize that they share a special bond. They also face problems from the guards, who are in search of Rider and from Rupunzel’s foster mother, Gothel. What happened to their journey? How did they escape from the guards and tackle Rupunzel? Did they tie knots? Did Rupunzel come to know that she is the lost princess form the rest of the story.

Characterization
The characterization of Rupunzel is brilliant. One half of her personality is innocent and docile and the other half is bold and intelligent. It stands out from the rest. However, the characterization of Rider is much like our typical Bollywood hero characters. I felt Sharukh khan would perfectly fit the hero character in this movie. So, it is nothing new to us. Similarly, Gothel’s character is much like the in laws, who would plot plans against the lead character in the Ekta Kapoor’s serials. The movie also has a place for non- human characters like Maximus, the horse-dog, who would initially fight with Rider and later becomes his friend and the chameleon, which is the friend of Rupunzel.

Visual Treatment and Music
The movie is very rich in animation and grand. The graphic developers have captured the intricacies of the characters and given attention to every detail. The characters emotes well and looks visually appealling. The visual effects are brilliant. The movie also has some enchanting pieces of music almost back to back. The background score is also good. 

Conclusion
The animation has come out exceptionally well making it a must-watch film. However, the storyline is too simple and stereotypical. Even then, Tangled is a pleasant respite for the eyes that is too tired of watching the negative reality extravanzas dished out by some of the Indian and Tamil directors in the name of reality and slice of life. With the grapevine abuzz that this could be Disney’s last movie based on princess, one can hardly give it a miss.

Special Day Celebrations! Do We Really Understand Them?

Valentine’s day or Women’s day celebrations are purely western concepts. A few people initiated such celebrations in our country and in the recent years, everybody seemed to have jumped into the fray. Last month and this month, I witnessed the Valentine’s day and Women’s day celebrations in my office and in the IT Park, in which my present office is located. On Feb 14, I saw some shops in our building putting up sale for Valentine’s day celebrations and this month, it was women’s day’s turn. Hope they won’t put up a similar sale on April 1st :).

I personally don’t celebrate all these A days and B days, however, I have no qualms against people celebrating them. They are free to celebrate them provided they don’t hurt the sentiments of others. The question is do they really understand the spirit behind such special days? For instance, on women’s day, most companies had asked the women employees to wear a saree and conducted special games (no intelligent games, all kids stuff) and gave feast for women employees alone in a separate room. One particular company gave special neck massage from a beauty parlor for women employees alone. Almost, all companies including mine gave roses to all women employees alone. The gift shop in the complex gave away free mehendi cones for women visitors alone on that day (I was given a free mehendi cone that cost 12 bucks for the greeting card that I bought for 10 bucks:).

Now, do you think these women’s day celebrations have actually served the women community in any way? According to me it has only taken us a step backward. It has reiterated the fact that:

• Women still like roses and mehendi cones (why not give away a key chain or a pen as gift? It could have proved to be much cheaper than mehendi cones).

• Women should wear only sarees for special occasions (why not ask wear whatever you are comfortable in).

• A service from beauty parlor is a must-have.

• Women require special care (on that day alone) and the day is strictly meant for women (why create a chasm between the male and female employees by not including the male crowd in the celebrations. Including them will only increase their respect for women and will help them appreciate the magnificence of women).

So, my humble suggestion for all women’s day or Valentine’s day or mother’s day enthusiasts is don’t blindly celebrate a day without appreciating the spirit behind them. Try to do some justification for the day by understanding the rationale behind them.