Ever since I was a kid, I was trained to say "yes" to everyone and everything. I was brought up in an environment, where saying "no" is considered impolite. I inherited this habit of singing yes ma'am to the tunes of others from my parents. I still vividly remember how I used to watch helplessly if some random kid snatches my favorite barbie doll, a beautiful lehenga or a thing that is dear to me. I would let a playmate or a classmate to boss me around for no reasons. I didn't have to be an Indira Gandhi or a Jayalalitha to stand up for myself and say "no". These are simple life situations, where I had to defend myself and stand for what is right. I was too naive and timid to put my foot down even for small things. Add to this, a pampering joint-family environment, where all your needs are taken care of without even asking for it. It makes you into a totally spineless person thinking that saying "no" is a sin. This is exactly how I grew up as a timid and shy kid. I completed my post-graduation and secured a job and created a career for myself but saying "no" is still not my cup of tea. I carried the good girl image with elan like a badge of honor. However, the good thing about not being able to say "no" is it is well received and reciprocated by the right people. That is how I earned a few good people, who stood by me through thick and thin. Unfortunately, it is these people that had my back on my trying times further made me an excellent people's pleaser. No matter what, home or work, I made immense efforts to agree with others at the cost of my peace of mind.
I carried this habit like a priced possession from the work life to my married life as well. I continued to be a mum creature, who cannot say "no" like the same kid who helplessly watched her doll being snatched away. Little did I knew that my inability to say no would plunge me into depression and cost me dearly at a point in life. Come 2018, an unfortunate incident struck my life and created a storm. It is this personal loss that gave the impetus to the much-needed change. I FINALLY learnt to say "No" to things that snatch my peace of mind on top of my voice. As a result, I have become a happier and decisive person, who knows her priorities.
Saying "no" and understanding priorities go hand in hand. I reviewed my priorities and kept things and people that matter to me on top of the chart. Unlike my parents, I don't preach my kid to give up on her favorite toy. Instead, I encourage her to share it with others and say "no" if someone snatches it from her. I insist her to say "no" to people that expect her to prioritize them over her. It is important to teach children to say "no". But it is tricky to teach them when to say it. It comes only with experience.
Experience is the best teacher. One way to turn a scar into a star and to move from brokenness to beauty is to learn from the experiences. By learning from a mistake or a problem, we literally turn that trouble into a blessing. And that is what exactly I did.
The following are my learnings from this giant transition of being a timid people pleaser to a careful decision maker:
- Being selfless doesn't mean prioritizing others and dumping ourselves.
- Saying "no" is not a sin.
- Drawing healthy boundaries to secure your space is not bad.
- Understanding the thin line between being helpful and denying the opportunity for the recipient to be independent is important.
I gave a big farewell to the people pleaser in me and invited a stubborn and head-strong person, who would not let her fort be invaded and captured by any other force. However, be a caring host who will pleasantly tend to the needs of the same force if it happens to be a guest. Being head strong, and polite and decent are the two sides of the same coin. If we know where to tighten the strings and where to let them loose, we emerge as a winner.
I would like to sign off with the lines from the book "The Secret" that complements the idea of being selfless well.
"Fill yourself up to full, so that you naturally overflow and tend to others".
1 comment:
Nice
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